I don't remember a summer that has been as cruel as much as this one. From the beginning(I was one of two candidates for a great job and I lost on a "coin flip", spraining my ankle so badly that it still is swollen), to yesterday ("I don't have anything for you, I just wanted to meet the guy I grew up listening to"). My days are full of disappointment and my nights are full of sleepless dreams that make no sense. Hallucenogenic might be the right term, how else would you describe a dream about riding the bus of death with a driver that looks like Johnny Cash? It seems that I am the butt of a cosmic joke and God, in his infinate wisdom, is punishing me for past sins and maybe even past life mistakes. I have the song "Galileo" by the Indigo Girls running through my head. My head hurts from trying to figure out the next move and my heart aches for my family who has had to endure this ride with me. I haven't had a drink in six months and I sure would like one. I have applied for jobs all over town and been turned down becasue I don't have the correct last name. "Hey, you're a legend in this town"..really? Can I have a job? No, sorry, nothing here. "Someone from personel will call you tomorrow". Great. Waiting...waiting. My father did the same job over and over and over and over for 30 years. God, I wish I had that kind of security. All I need is ten years and with my family's history, I'll probably be dead then. While there have been some musical finds this summer (Cheap Trick, Stevie Williams, Mark Knopfler/Emmylou Harris), the high points have been few and far between. I have taken two Hogan personality tests (true or false...I want to learn to deep sea dive..I am a calm person..I think your appearance is important...people tend to like me) and obviously flunked them both. I have been dismissed by the railroad because of my age(sure, sure, we DON'T discriminate by age)and other times just because. I have had rude rejection letters and well written ones. This summer has been the summer of my discontent, the boulevard of broken dreams, the summer that makes me wonder if anything will come my way. It has taken away my self confidence and thoroughly eroded my self esteem. The jobs and the pay have dwindled in radio so badly, it makes me wonder if I can even make ends meet anymore. If not for the saving grace of my family (the ones that are still speaking to me) and the wonderful distraction that is basketball, I would have lost my mind. I have no idea where I am going and how this summer will end up (oh great joy, we still have another month left)but I will keep plugging along and hope that something miraculous will take place, something that God will plant in front of me, someone or something that will save my life. Shit, even Pluto gets kicked out of the club this summer. How cruel is that? Running out of money, running on faith. It's my blog, my journal, for whimsical stuff, fun stuff and stuff that hurts. This summer has hurt, there is no getting around it. I just hope to walk away with scars that will heal. I hope to walk away at all.
Cue Mr. Springsteen...
It's rainin' but there ain't a cloud in the sky
Musta been a tear from your eye
Everything'll be okay
Funny thought I felt a sweet summer breeze
Musta been you sighin' so deep
Don't worry we're gonna find a way
I'm waitin', waitin' on a sunny day
Gonna chase the clouds away
Waitin' on a sunny day
Without you I'm workin' with the rain fallin' down
Half a party in a one dog town
I need you to chase the blues away
Without you I'm a drummer girl that can't keep a beat
And ice cream truck on a deserted street
I hope that you're coming to stay
I'm waitin', waitin' on a sunny day
Gonna chase the clouds away
Waitin' on a sunny day
Hard times baby, well they come to tell us all
Sure as the tickin' of the clock on the wall
Sure as the turnin' of the night into day
Your smile girl, brings the mornin' light to my eyes
Lifts away the blues when I rise
I hope that you're coming to stay
4 comments:
Dude, a mention by you of the Indigo Girls in a blog entry. Ah man, you are my hero all over again :).
Max...
Randy, I've had a summer or two like that. 2005 was one of my most difficult years of my life, I simply thought it would never end.
It did, obviously. So will the summer of 2006... and on the other side, you will find solutions, salvation and peace.
Holy Crap! I read this and wanted to beat the living hell out of people who would reject you or be rude to you. You're an amazing talent. Great voice, great brain controlling that voice... I just don't get it. The coin flip? Come on. Were that that blind they couldn't see what a draw you are?
You are very talented and you know it, Randy. Things don't run on our timetable, but on God's (I know you still believe). Doesn't happen as fast as we'd like most of the time but, it happens as it's supposed to.
I have a few virtues left but unfortunately, patience has never been my strongest one.
This has been a rough year for a lot of the people in my life. Hell, I cried myself to sleep just last night...
The only thing I can say with any certainty is that with every kick in the teeth I get from fate or whatever...I just remember that even when I'm feeling like a big piece of nothing...no matter how bad it feels, it beats sitting on a rooftop waiting to be rescued.
I wish you strength, peace and above all faith in this difficult time.
((HUGS))
Bonnie
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