Monday, October 31, 2005

God love them all

Depending on what day it is, I feel blessed or cursed. God, please take special exemption and please grant your mercy on those who have gone through chemo, are going through it now or will go through it. Have a special place for the families of those who go through this nasty ass shit. It tears you up, makes you weak and it will shake the foundation of your core. It makes you stand in front of the meat counter at Schnuck's wondering why you are there. The ceiling fan is an endlessly looped tape. You have a rash from the top of your chest to the top of your ankles. You want to kill yourself. Right is wrong and wrong is right. Its poison. It's like pouring drain cleaner in your veins, and then waiting around to see what happens. You can't sleep and you dare not eat. It's like walking through a muddy swamp with boots on, the muck keeps collecting in your shoes, making it harder and harder to walk on. Hang in there, all of you. You can only walk halfway into the swamp, after that, you are walking out of it. Hang on. Hang on.

NEW RULES (from my friend Jay)


New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt, that's your flavored water

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Post Number 100

I sit here tonight on a Sunday and King Crimson is playing on the BOSE WaveRadio system. I first heard this on "Beaker Street". It was a late night album rock show on KAAY in Little Rock, AR. KAAY broadcast at 1090AM. The mighty 1090 was their slogan and during the day and most of the night, it was a top 40 station, and at 10pm, it would become the best damn station on the planet.The signal was so strong that even when I moved to the Quad Cities, I could pick it up. The show featured stuff that no one else(that I knew of) played. "40 Foot Hose" by Cauldron was another fave. Oh yeah, Wet Willie, too. Thank you, Clyde Clifford, host.
King Crimson at that time was made up of:
Greg Lake, of course went on to form Emerson, Lake and Palmer (another one of my favorite bands). The last I heard about Ian McDonald, he was booted out of Foreigner, Robert Fripp is still recording and touring with King Crimson. Here is the latest on Micheal Gilesand Peter Sinfield. What a release this was. A masterpiece and as a 13 year old kid in 1969, it scared the hell out of me. Especially "21st Century Schizoid Man","Epitath" and the title track. "I Talk To The Wind" is still a great song. This recording changed the way I looked at and listened to music. 1970's "Lizard" became another one of my favorites (and my first introduction to Ravel's "Bolero").

An explanation

Sometimes when rumours and things get started, it is hard to stop them. On the front page of my friend Mike Anderson's very comprehensive St. Louis Media site, is the statement that I am on the schedule at the Arch(106.5). I am. For two shifts on the weekend. Not full time. I have had a number of emails wondering if I am getting back into "the biz". I have a job that I find challenging, stimulating, sometimes perplexing, and basically, a blast. To find a solution in a bathtub full of problems is very rewarding and fulfilling. I hope to be at Learfield for a long time. I do, however, dig the radio thing, still. I always enjoyed working for Bonneville, and I am glad to hang around on the weekends. That is all it is.

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