Some Writings

I just found some stuff I did for a humor class I took at Meramec dated 2/21/96. The class was taught by Dr. Richard Michalski who later passed of cancer. He was probably the most original professor I have ever had. It was a study in humor. Whether it was written, viewed or spoken, the class dealt with it. My final was doing the George Carlin bit "Wonderful Wino" (both versions) in front of the class.
We were required to write about life and this is something I wrote back then.

A Guide to Request Line Etiquette

I'm about to kick back with a newspaper or go to the john when the infernal blinking of the request line lets me know I am wanted. Is it a collect call from the Department of Corrections in Potosi again? A bored nymphomaniac looking for a little aural stimulation? Rule of thumb on this one is the hotter she sounds, the more likely she will look like Ernest Borgnine with breasts. Or is it someone just calling for a request? Logistically, they are almost impossible to play, but the caller thinks they are making a deep persoanal connection with me even though this is the one zillionth call I have fielded today. So, how do I blow them off without them waiting in the parking lot with a copy of "Catcher In The Rye" and a .22?
"I'll try to get to it." We in the radio business rarely mean it. But however my conscience eats at me, I just can't launch into a detailed explanation of music rotations, the reasons why things are played, music scheduling software, research, auditorium tests and the like, now can I?
Maybe it's best to come up with variations on the theme. How about these: "Great song, I'll put it on the list!" (Of the songs I won't ever play.) "Thanks for having us on, I'll play that if I can." (I can't, so I won't.) "Keep listening for that one."(And you will grow very old.) "I'll get the CD out and see if I can work it in." (Maybe under that short leg on our lunchroom table.)
Scenario one: Drunk and mournful on the line: "Yeah man, my uncle was killed two weeks ago last Thursday and I want you to play "Free Bird" for him." Bad response..."well, why doesn't he just walk up to Ronnie VanZant now and ask him to play it?" Better response..."you know, we have a powerful transmitter and all, but I don't think it'll reach all the way there."
Scenario two: Mistaken identity on the line: "Did I win? Am I the right caller??!!!" (I'm not doing a contest). Bad..."is this Beavis or Butthead? Did you skip kindergarten the day they gave lessons on dialing the phone?" Better..."Yes, YOU WON and congratulations! As a special bonus, we'll give you a chance to win the KMOX VAN! Just come down to KMOX between midnight and 6am. If you get it started it's all yours!"
Scenario three: Obsessive Compulsive on the line. "Yeah, I have called every fucking day for three weeks to hear "Sweet Leaf" by Black Sabbath AND YOU HAVE NEVER PLAYED IT!" Bad..."what do think this is, your personal fucking jukebox? If so gimme a dollar for each time you've called." Better..."do you realise that I was JUST about to play it until you called back for the third time in 20 minutes?"
Scenario four: Old, free form KSHE radio lover and chronic camplainer who listened in the seventies when "KSHE really rocked". "You guys play the same shit over and over again. I am really tired of hearing the same crap all the time. Would you puhleese play "Echidna's Arf" from Frank Zappa?" Bad..."you're right I am sooo sick of this crap. Let me piss away my life savings and play this really weird piece of shit, so you can be really happy over one song and I can lose my job." Better.."sure, but only if I can follow that up with a piece from one of Frank's favorite composers Edgard Varese. Shall we do an hour's worth?"
Scenario five: Bootlegger on the line "Hurry up and play my request, Iam trying to tape it." Bad..."you cheap shit. Go buy the damn song at the store for 6 bucks. Good God, man." Better..."while you are at it, go call Channel 30 and request the "All You Can Eat" episode of the Simpson's. Man, I have been trying to tape THAT!" Okay response..."federal rules require me to tell you that unauthorized taping off the radio is a felony punishable by 3 to 6 years in prison and fines up to $30,000."
Scenario six: Little kid on the line "Can you play "Waterfall" by TLC and send it out to Amber, Tiffany and Billy?" Only response..."I will under one condition..I want you to scream really loud and jump up and down knock things over until the song comes on. Don't stop until you hear it..Promise?"
Maybe I will just go to the bathroom after all.