I woke up on a dingy, urine stained mattress with dirty and crusty underwear thrown about the room. One thing went through my head over and over..."Lord, where am I?"
Relax and remember I told myself.
Finally, through the fog, it came to me. I was in the basement of one of the Krognar Palaces. Not very palatial, I'm thinking. This seemed to be the place where the universally famous Krognar sex games were held. They were so popular, there was a cable show about them.
Obviously an aftermath.
Dammit, if I had been two hours earlier. Where are the nubile young women and how did I get into this mess and who and...?
The Krognars were the self proclaimed rulers of the entire six known dimensions. They installed themselves in a bloodless coup not more than four hundred years ago, so they were pretty new at this. They bore an uncanny resemblance to a creature once known as a lobster. These cats were about seven feet tall with claws that could kill a man within seconds. They were also legendary across the universe for their well...how should I say their power and prowess under and between the sheets.
I know it's hard to believe but even I admired and respected their reputation...must have been a guy thing.
Now, I remember, I was crossing through their space at about three o'clock in the morning, sorry kids, drunk on my ass. There is a tolerance of about fourteen centimeters on either side of the portal, not much for my vehicle, which was a 2068 Chevy Malibu. I thought I could make it because at this time of night (or morning) they were usually sleeping. It was also a Saturday night and that's when the majority of the sex games are still rocking on (I told you about their prowess). If you gunned it at the right time across the celestial axis, you could be in the third dimension before the sentries knew what was going on.
Tonight, unfortunately, I was not that lucky.
I tried to outrun them through two dimensions. I blew a transducer and then it was just a matter of time before the jig was up, and indeed they tracked me down quickly. Crippled, by the side of Sirius, I was easy prey for the Krognar Gestapo. They demanded my ethereal notice, federation number and of course, the registration.
I was taught by my father to only relinquish my star and fighter squadron number, nothing prepared me for this.
"Ydnar Yelar, Ydnar, Yelar, Ydnar, Yelar!!!"
With that, all hell broke loose.
Without warning, I was surrounded by these ugly fucks speaking gibberish and spitting on each other. These stupid idiots then stopped and in unison, recited their national anthem "A White Sport Coat and A Pink Crustacean,"as it looked like some kind of ceremony was about to happen. This didn't really look good here. Here I was, in a place far far away and I had no idea what to do. To my surprise, all they did was haul me off to what their version of jail looked like and there is where I woke up.
The doors of my room sprung open with an ear spitting clang and suddenly, I was face to face with the most terrific creature I have ever seen. Seven feet three inches tall, built like I had only dreamed. And yes, I could also see why he was such a hit with the ladies. Even the old comic book pictures of Charles Atlas could NOT do this cat justice. I tried to make conversation about his work out routines, but he was having none of it. I DID find out his name was Larry.
Yes, Larry the Lobster, THAT Larry the lobster.
On that fateful Saturday night Eddie Murphy tried to kill him, and getting away somehow, he never forgot it. He's been pissed ever since. Turns out, he's the chief prosecutor. I didn't know whether to kneel in front of him, curse his very being or both.
"I am your biggest nightmare as I rule over the entire lemon wedge dimension You will wish you had never met me, infidel."
At that moment, he opened his trench coat and out fell a 2234 model AJ 447 flanger. Indeed, my opportunity to make my getaway, but alas, I was only familiar with the two button model and this had three.
The academy taught us over and over.."yellow and green, lose your spleen...green then yellow, live to be a happy fellow.. But I wasn't ready for "now there is blue with the other two.."
As he hesitated in shock, I reached for the flanger and yes, I pushed the blue button. It could not get any worse that his, I reasoned.
And with that, it did.
The skies opened up with the brilliance of a thousand white hot suns, like only something Moses could have witnessed.
All of a sudden, I was sucked through a vacuum of a hundred gravitational pulls, the rising and setting of those white hot suns all it once, I was pulled through a vortex of unknown physical properties, swallowed into a continuum right in time for my mom to wake me for school.
No comments:
Post a Comment