We hope this driving booklet will get you familiar with the rules of the road here in the Gateway City. We're just a little bit different in our interpretation of how driving is perceived, so just remember to follow these rules and you will blend in nicely with the rest of the drivers here.
Rule one. On the interstates and freeways, go as fast as you can. Don't worry about the Police because they are NEVER looking for this type of driver. The posted speed limits are for fools and wienies. If your car can do it, so must you, so go for it.
Rule two. If you are making a right turn, make sure you get as far into the left lane as possible. Do not signal or brake. This is known as the "St. Louis Right Turn', and it's very rarely practiced anywhere else.
Rule three When you see a "yield" sign floor the accelerator. think of yourself as owning the road because...well, you do. Hell you pay taxes on it, right? Be bold. Make a statement. The other drivers will salute you.
Rule four. If you have a cellular phone, make sure you make countless useless cars while you are in traffic. It is also required you pay NO attention to your surroundings as you "have this.". It is certainly permissible to sit through an entire traffic light, because dammit, your time is so much valuable than anyone else's. Go ahead, talk your eleven year old daughter through dinner. We'll wait.
Rule five. On a related note, falling asleep at the traffic light is also recommended. You worked hard today. Why shouldn't everyone else behind you know that? Wear that tired bitch like a crown. If you do wake up while the light is cycling, make sure you make a left turn in the intersection at least ten seconds after the light has turned red. We here call that the "L.A. Rule". This maneuver keeps everyone on their toes.
Rule six. When coming to a four way stop, make sure your wheels don't stop entirely. that wastes gas. If not sure who has the right of way, get all drivers from the intersection to draw cards. High one wins. If someone draws a higher card than you, get out your concealed weapon and shoot tyem. That won't be against the law by the time you go to trial.
Rule seven One special note to eighteen wheelers, your job is to scare the beejeebers out of the other drivers. Make sure you are in the left lane doing ten miles under the speed limit. Also make sure you are less than ten inches away from the car in front of you and when the other car pull off to the side of the road with a heart attack, flip them off. That send a strong message.
Happy motoring.
No comments:
Post a Comment