Ways To Stop Being a Fucking Idiot

This list is not for you, our well-behaved and handsome readers. It's for all your friends and enemies who don't mind acting like major a-holes. Please forward this helpful list to them and hopefully their unsavory conduct will cease.
• If you are able to read while exercising, stop reading. You are not really exercising.
• If you find yourself enjoying bad blues performed by Bruce Willis, John Goodman or Jim Belushi, stop it. And throw away your Planet Hollywood jacket while you're at it.
• If it takes more than $45 to fill up your gas tank, stop it. Pour the gas on the outside of the vehicle and light a match.
• If you constantly worry aloud about catching SARS or West Nile, stop it. The eight cigarettes you have at lunch everyday will kill you first.
• If you are Toby Keith, stop it. Breathing, that is.
• If you are an office clockwatcher who decides what to talk about based on the day of the week and its relation to the weekend, i.e. "I hate Mondays"; "Wednesday, Hump day!" and "It's Thursday, which is almost Friday! Yay!" Stop it. Please follow me out behind the dumpsters. I want you to meet someone.
• If you put "shizzle" at the end of every word and you are not Snoop Dogg, stop it. It's about as funny as "Waaazzz-up!"
• If your fulltime job is selling crap on eBay, stop it. We don't need to bid on your sister's half-used acne medication.
• If you talk about your fraternity or sorority days ad nauseam, stop it. We already know your best days are hopelessly behind you.
• If you feel the need to yap on your cell phone in a restaurant, stop it. Leave the restaurant, continue yapping and walk directly into traffic.
• If you scold others for yawning, stop it. Take the hint (it's you).
• If you proudly state, "I really don't watch TV," stop it you liar. You watch TV every waking second you are not downloading porn.
• If you wear anything that says "WWJD," stop it. One thing Jesus wouldn't do is wear a chintzy WWJD bracelet purchased at Bea's Hallmark in the strip mall.
• If you do a month's worth of banking at my ATM when I just need to get a 20 spot, stop it. I have a gun pointed at our back, step aside and take your business inside the bank.
• If you proudly proclaim Top Gun, Scarface or Pretty Women is your favorite movie, stop it. Imitating people on "Cribs" is not a good idea.
• If you act like your work place is an episode of "The Real World," stop it. The real, real world doesn't need your drama fits (but still feel free to dress like a stripper).
• If you are a guy more than 17 years of age and choose to drink a fruity alcohol malt beverage, stop it. You did not earn the right and privilege to be drunk.

I stole this from here.